Earlier today I did a blog about how Russian drivers are putting America to shame, and it got me thinking about some of the worst drivers I’ve ever been in a car with. I’m not saying I’m the greatest driver that ever lived, but I think I’m pretty close. I can bob and weave with the best of them on the highway and anything less than 75 MPH is a complete joke. Oh and I never crashed a car through a fence and almost killed a bunch of people, which I think at this point makes me better than every NASCAR driver.
On the other hand I have a lot of friends who apparently got their drivers license through some kind of mail order service because it’s pretty clear they never sat through a day of drivers ed in their lives. I mean it’s goddamn embarrassing sometimes. So here’s the definitive list of the worst types of drivers. For the love of god do not be one of these people.
Guy Who Won’t Make A Turn Because There’s Another Car A Mile And A Half Away: This is the guy who refuses to turn onto another street if there’s another car within 10 miles of you because he “doesn’t know if he has time to make the turn.” Inevitably what happens is he sees a car and panics, then you spend the next two minutes sitting at the intersection until the car passes. Sometimes it’s legit. Sometimes your buddy legitimately misjudged the distance. But if he doesn’t at least have the decency to look ashamed after you’ve sat for thirty seconds without moving, you legally have the right to strangle him to death with his seatbelt (NOTE: may not be true).
Guy Who Wants You To Be Impressed At How Fast He’s Going: If you’re doing 90 on the highway so we can get wherever we’re going faster, REST ASSURED, I appreciate it. I don’t need you to turn to me every five seconds with your stupid grin and ask me “Bro do you see how fast we’re going bro? 90 miles an hour bro! Totally sick, right bro?” Shut the fuck up and drive. A second ago I was glad we were going fast. Now I just want you to wrap yourself around a telephone pole, “bro.”
Guy Who Asks You To Answer His Text Messages For Him: You can probably guess that I don’t give two shits about people who text and drive. It’s 2013 guys. If you can’t text and drive at the same time by now you should probably just give up and go live in a cave because it doesn’t get any easier from here. But these people stick their phone in a cupholder and then ask you to read and answer their text messages for them like you’re their fucking secretary. I honestly don’t know what to do with them. I feel like I should throw the phone out the window but as great of a statement as that would be it would also be a pretty expensive one.
“I’m A Good Driver, I Just Don’t Trust Other Drivers”: Always said by someone who’s driving 10 MPH under the speed limit. These are the people who drive slow as shit in the rain because they “just want to be careful.” Listen fucko. If you have to drive less than the speed limit in order to not cause a 12 car pileup, you are a shitty driver. In fact a good driver absolutely guns it in bad weather. That way you get home faster and spend less time driving in dangerous conditions, which is 100 times safer.
Guy Who Is Terrified To Pass A Bicyclist: I fucking hate bicyclists. I hate them. I legitimately believe they are the worst people on the planet earth. They bitch about sharing the road then don’t don’t follow any of the rules of the road. They hog the road. They’re holier than thou about their “environmentalism.” Spending five minutes talking to a bicyclist is enough to make me want to go out and buy a fucking Hummer out of spite. So when I’m with a driver who insists on going 7 MPH behind a bicyclist because he’s too nervous to pass him, it’s literally all I can do to not murder them both with my bare hands.
Guy Who Slams On The Brakes The Second The Light Turns Yellow: Look I’m not saying you have to gun it for freedom and blast your way through EVERY yellow light. But at the same time if you don’t do that you’re a gigantic pussy, right? Just reading the words “yellow light” should make your foot instinctively reach for the gas pedal. So if you’re driving with someone who comes to a complete stop before the light has even turned red, you honestly need to get out of the car right there (well, wait for the light to turn red first, because some non-asshole driver probably about to pass you), reevaluate your life, and find some new fucking friends.
“Am I Clear?”: Hands down the absolute worst type of driver. The guy who can’t even check to see if he’s clear to turn, merge, exit, whatever. Listen they put mirrors on literally every side of the car for a reason: so you can check your goddamn self. I once drove with a guy I worked with who would ask me if he was clear while merging left. LEFT! He wanted me to check HIS OWN GODDAMN SIDE OF THE CAR, then had the balls to bitch at me when he didn’t think he was “clear enough.” I almost grabbed the wheel and swerved us into oncoming traffic. I swear if I hadn’t been hundreds of miles from home and completely dependent on my bosses to get me back, I would be in jail right now.
You may notice that there is no slot for “women” or “Asians” or any other obvious stereotypical choice on this list. Well that’s because if you get in a car with a woman or an Asian you pretty much deserve whatever you get. If you don’t know that at this point then there’s no help for you. But all of this is behavior I’ve seen from men. Men who should absolutely fucking know better.
Re-reading this I can see I tapped into a whole bunch of homicidal feelings here. Well I take back none of it. If you do any of these things I don’t just want you to kill yourself, I NEED you to kill yourself. Stick to the metro and get off my fucking roads.
BIG BIG NEWS 