Something got me thinking about this today. There have been a lot of horrible stories in the news over the past decade or two about people like priests or teachers molesting kids. Nobody trust anyone who works with kids anymore. Fuck you if you’re a Cub Scout leader or a Sunday School teacher. Pretty much everyone just assumes that you’re waiting on your chance to kidnap one of the kids and keep them chained up in your basement diddle dungeon for the next 10 years.
So that got me thinking, who could be revealed as a child molester that would be most devastating to the public at large? I mean if someone released photos tomorrow of RG3 groping a 10-year-old, I think DC might go nuclear. That said I think we can go bigger. Here is the definitive list of worst possible diddlers:
8. Abraham Lincoln. Obviously would be a big deal but I just can’t put him any higher on the list. He’s just too ancient. No matter how definitive the proof was 99% of people would just refuse to believe it because let’s face it you can’t trust anything from that time. If you told me tomorrow that Abraham Lincoln never actually freed the slaves and it was really some forgotten president name Lenny, I would have literally no way to refute you. I was not a good student. So yeah we can pretty much eliminate all further historical figures from this list because despite the fact that Abe could very well have spent every night jerking off into his stovepipe hat before putting on some slave child’s head, there will never be photographs so we’ll just never know for sure. By the way, Jesus also falls into this category (minus the stovepipe hat).
7. Bill Murray. Is there anyone on the planet who doesn’t love Bill Murray? I mean the dude has made an entire career out of being a complete douchebag who doesn’t take anything seriously. The only real problem with Bill Murray being on this list is that is really isn’t all that hard to imagine him doing it just to get a rise out of people. Like he’s almost too beloved for his own taste right now. I could almost see him doing it just to get people to stop begging him to make Ghostbusters 3.
6. George Clooney. Talk about a slap in the face. I mean sure there are plenty of people who think Clooney is gay but a child molester? Hoo boy. That’ll make Cosmo or whatever the fuck magazines women read these days stop putting you on the cover real quick. At least I assume it would. Although considering the shit I see on the news stands I have a feeling they might actually just start running “HOW TO LOOK YOUNG ENOUGH FOR CLOONEY” features on the regular.
5. Tom Brady / Peyton Manning. Basically the two guys who are the face of the biggest sport in America. Yeah obviously there are tons of people who hate them both but if it came out that either one of them was molesting kids in the team hotel it would be Sandusky times a billion. Apparently we can’t even handle gay players in the NFL let alone child molesters. Roger Goodell’s head would literally explode which come to think of it might make the whole thing worth it. Ken Griffey Jr. would also be an acceptable answer here. And LeBron James would be the LEAST acceptable answer, because I think secretly we all assume he’s doing SOMETHING horrible.
4. Oprah. Yeah Oprah isn’t the all-consuming force that she used to be, but if it came out that Oprah was diddling her traumatized little guests backstage, there isn’t a woman in America who wouldn’t be calling out sick from work for a solid month afterwards. Plus she could totally get away with it if she wanted. Her whole schtick has such a culty atmosphere that she could probably have her entire production crew funneling her kids to feel up and nobody would ever know. Fucking Oprah, hypothetically molesting all those hypothetical kids.
3. Mr. Rogers. Just an undeniably horrible scenario. Every single kid in America for probably the last 100 years grew up watching Mr. Rogers so there’s nobody alive that wouldn’t be thinking back on those little puppets he used to play around with and his creepy serial killer smile and not have their entire childhood ruined. Plus he’s dead so there would be the added fact that he completely got away with it too. Fuck, I’m getting pissed off just thinking about this. Listen Mr. Rogers. Just do us all a favor and don’t have been a child molester. Thanks dude.
2. Obama. Obama comes in at the two spot because I mean he’s the president. But here’s thing thing: if it came out tomorrow that he was a child molester, would you really be all that surprised? Just to be clear this isn’t about Obama himself. I just assume every CEO or senator or president is doing the most fucked up shit possible behind the scenes. Chances are everyone in Congress jerks off to tranny porn while being choked by imported Malaysian slave children in their taxpayer funded hotel rooms. The other problem is that people love Obama so much that I’m not even sure it would be devastating. You could literally show a college kid a photograph of Obama blowing an 8-year-old and they’ll spend the next two hours explaining to you in the most condescending way possible that Obama has a very stressful job and you’re a judgmental prick for thinking it’s wrong and I bet you listen to Rush Limbaugh don’t you, you savage? (NOTE: Obviously Obama doesn’t molest kids, please don’t kill me Secret Service)
1. Mr. Belding. I actually think I might kill myself right now if it came out that the dude who played Mr. Belding was a pedophile. And if you never watched Saved by the Bell and you don’t know who Mr. Belding is then I literally have nothing to say to you. I actually met the dude a couple of years back. Nicest guy ever. But apparently he’s hard up for cash now and makes a living by getting paid to show up at people’s parties. I feel like it’s not a steep drop from there to molesting kids, so I’m not gonna lie: little worried about this one.
I’m actually kind of pissed off at everyone on this list just for making me imagine them as a child molester. So the lesson here is probably just don’t fuck kids, right? And if you’re Mr. Belding, DEFINITELY don’t fuck kids. It would ruin my whole childhood. Well and I guess the hypothetical kid’s childhood too. But this isn’t about them right now. It’s about me. So just do me a personal favor and keep not being a pedophile. Thanks boss.