Even Mother Nature Herself Is Sick Of Florida

SEFFNER, Fla. — A man was missing early Friday after a large sinkhole opened under the bedroom of a house near Tampa and his brother says the man screamed for help before he disappeared.

The 36-year-old man’s brother told rescue crews he heard a loud crash around 11 p.m. Thursday, then heard his brother screaming for help.

“When he got there, there was no bedroom left,” Hillsborough County Fire Rescue spokeswoman Jessica Damico said. “There was no furniture. All he saw was a piece of the mattress sticking up.” [Huffington Post]

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What the fuck is it with Florida? If it’s not hopped up bath salt zombies eating homeless peoples’ faces off on the side of the highway it’s the earth itself just opening up and swallowing houses whole. I mean Jesus Christ I know I make fun of Florida a lot but is mother nature really THAT much of a bitch? Was there no other option but to open up and start swallowing people whole?

On the other hand if you still live in Florida I guess you deserve what you get. I mean this is a state that won’t even let people unwind by riding a manatee every now and then. Even if you forget about the bath salts and meth heads, this is still a state where dogs shoot people, people hide drugs in their fake legs, couples get off on giving each other coffee enemas, and people use tacos as ID. Are we REALLY going to pretend we’re shocked about the earth opening up and swallowing people? If anything I’m surprised this shit didn’t start happening years ago. As always the lesson here is don’t live in Florida.