Every single year the media drums up the whole “Redskins should change their name” storyline and every single year it doesn’t matter because Dan Snyder still owns the team and if there’s one thing we know about the Dan Snyder era it’s that Dan Snyder doesn’t give a fuck about bad PR (unless it’s about him personally, in which case he will burn your life to the ground).
But that doesn’t stop everyone and their mother from sitting up in their ivory tower and railing against how horrible and racist the name is. Honestly there’s something downright fucking hilarious about columnists from places like Cincinnati bitching and moaning about the name “Redskins” when their baseball team still has this logo:
Anyway since everyone feels like it’s their business to be the moral authority on team names it’s no surprise that a thousand different (awful) suggestions have been thrown around. Here are the top ten:
1. Washington Banners. What’s really sad about this one is that it was suggested in a letter to the editor in the Washington Post. Some 75 year old man is 100% convinced he just NAILED that shit. Probably can’t believe he hasn’t heard from Snyder yet.
2. Washington Pigskins. This one’s been floating around forever. I guess it makes sense because then you can still call yourselves the ‘Skins, and it actually makes the whole “Hogs” thing slightly less stupid. On the other hand I’d rather stab myself in the eye than root for a team called the Pigskins.
3. Washington Potomacs. Well if you’re bound and determined to keep the Native American theme going you might as well take the name of a local tribe. Downside is that people will probably just think of the Potomac River, which has to be the filthiest river in America.
4. Washington Senators. This one is actually probably the worst. Like the useless fucks running this town need any more ego stroking. Only reason it’s a little higher on the list is that the Senators used to be an actual team and I guess you’re supposed to respect the history of the city.
5. Washington Generals. Someone actually suggested this shit because apparently the team that got eviscerated by the Harlem Globetrotters on a nightly basis is exactly what you want to name your team after.
6. Washington Monuments. Perfect. Name the team after the biggest dick in the country.
7. The RG3 RG3s. EMBRACE IT. Kornheiser would pop a boner so huge it would stop his heart.
8. Washington Washingtons. 10/10. Absolutely NAILED it. Honestly don’t know why anyone else bothered suggesting names after this.
9. Washington Sentinels. If the thought of buying a Shane Falco jersey doesn’t make your dick wiggle just a little, I don’t even want to know you.
10. DC Snipers. If this city had any balls, man.