If You Think Doing A Cannonball Onto A Peaceful, Gentle, Baby Manatee Is A Good Idea, You Are A Certified Psychopath And Somebody Should Beat The Shit Out Of You

[Sun-Sentinel] Three men could face charges after a year-old video of a diver jumping into a canal onto two manatees surfaced on Facebook and YouTube Monday.

The video — recorded in a residential Cocoa Beach neighborhood — shows the most egregious of three acts of manatee abuse reported across the state in the past year that drew media attention.

In the Brevard video, a man and two friends, whose names have not been released, bait an adult manatee and a calf with fresh water from a hose to bring the endangered animals closer to the dock.

One of the men jumps cannonball-style onto the adult sea cow, nearly striking the younger animal as well.

Listen I’ve already established here that manatees are pretty much the best animals on earth. I mean look at them. Just giant blobs of fat floating around not hurting anyone. No manatee ever hurt anyone in the entire history of manatees. Even if one wanted to its literally impossible. They’re basically giant beanbags. Giant, adorable beanbags.

So if you think it’s cool to find a baby manatee and jump on its head, I don’t think I’m exaggerating here when I say that you should be eaten by a pack of great white sharks. Just absolutely no moral compass at all. Might as well just kick a puppy except at least a puppy could try and fight back. I mean a puppy has teeth and claws right? Plus at least a puppy can see you coming. This baby manatee has no idea what’s going on except some fat monster from above the sky just fell on his head and his flippers are too stubby to even try to land a punch.

Anyway it says these shitheads could spend a year in jail and have to pay a $50,000 fine, which honestly seems pretty fucking lenient, right? I’m pretty sure hurting defenseless baby animals is like signs 1 through 50 that you’re probably a serial killer. Should probably just lock these bros up for life just to be on the safe side. I just hope someone gets their daily prison beatings on video and shows it to the poor manatees. Except manatees are so boss they probably wouldn’t even want that. Manatees probably just want to get these guys help. Treat them with compassion. That’s how manatees roll man. They’re just plain better than you and me.

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Not To Worry You But DC Is Apparently Continuing To Crumble Into The Center Of The Earth

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[DCistGetting home from downtown D.C. today is going to be extra painful, with officials saying that it could take through tomorrow to close a sinkhole that opened this afternoon at the intersection of 14th and F streets NW.

The chasm, which is 15 feet deep, was cordoned off between noon and 1 p.m. Crews from the District Department of Transportation and DC Water have been on site since at least then, but repair work is expected to last through the evening, and perhaps for as long as two days, police said.

Hey, at least this one wasn’t in Adams Morgan, right? Or is it that much more terrifying that they’re apparently spreading out to cover the whole city? Either way I think we can all agree that the real tragedy here is that so far we’ve had sinkholes up in the northwest and smack in the middle of downtown, but for some reason we just can’t get one to swallow up the steps to the Capitol right when Congress ends their session.

Listen I’m not saying I think everyone in Congress should be dead, I’m just saying the net loss really wouldn’t be that bad. Honestly it might even be a net gain. Besides they don’t even have to die. I mean they are all 900 years old. Maybe just break a hip or something and resign for medical reasons. If mother nature would take a second away from attacking drinkers and commuters and just swallow up a couple of government buildings instead, maybe we’d actually get some shit done. Guaranteed we have zero emission flying cars within five years if we replace the geriatric idiots who run the country with a handful of smart young people who actually know what the internet is. I’m just saying.

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Have You Ever Been So Mad At Your Girlfriend That You Cut Off Your Own Dick With A Pair Of Scissors?

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[Gawker] Having had enough of arguing with his girlfriend over his drinking habit, a man in Keelung City, Taiwan, reportedly retreated to the bathroom with a pair of scissors in hand, and proceeded to slice off his own penis.

Local media outlets say the 46-year-old had spent most of the day at home consuming alcohol, and when his girlfriend arrived in the evening she began to hassle him about being inebriated.

The argument abruptly ended after the man grabbed a pair of household scissors and went into the bathroom to snip off his sex organ.

Then, as the horrified girlfriend watched on, he flushed his severed member down the toilet.

On the one hand it’s pretty tough to defend a guy who literally just cut off his own penis, but at the same time I think I kind of have to, right? I mean listen, relationships are HARD fucking work. If I had a nickel for every fight I’ve had with a girlfriend, I could singlehandedly fund El Pres’s mayoral campaign.

We can all agree that waking up in the morning and realizing that you got so drunk you cut off your own penis with the same shitty junk drawer scissors you use to trim your ball hair probably isn’t a lot of fun. “Discover that you have a one inch stump left where your penis used to be” is definitely on my list of top five things I don’t want to wake up to after a night of drinking, right between “wake up next to Chaz Bono” and “wake up as Chaz Bono.”

But here’s the thing: I guaran-fucking-TEE you it felt fucking GREAT when he did it. Like how many times have you gotten into a fight with your girlfriend and she just wears you the fuck down? It’s literally impossible to win a fight with a chick. And we don’t even have any real threats we can make either. Can’t hit a girl. Can’t threaten no sex because that hurts us way more. Can’t even really yell without the cops getting called and we all know whose side they’re going to take. So I bet you anything this dude’s drunk brain was proud as shit that it came up with a loophole. “Call me an alcoholic will you? Well we’ll see who’s laughing when I CUT OFF MY OWN DICK.” I bet you anything the look on her face was worth it for about half a second until he processed what he just did.

I guess what I’m trying to say is do I support the guy? No. But do I understand him? You bet dude. You bet.

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Can’t Make This Shit Up

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(@FixWMATA) When I was like six years old I had a toy firetruck that I used to play with all the time. Then one day I accidentally pushed it down the stairs and it shattered into like four different pieces. And after that day I never played with it again. I mean obviously. Just because I’m the one responsible for breaking it doesn’t make it any more fun to play with.

So I feel like this is pretty much the exact same thing, right? “What, the metro? Why would I use that shitty system?” I mean yeah you could point out the fact that they’re the ones responsible for it being broken but just like the firetruck that doesn’t change the fact that it inarguably IS broken. These guys aren’t out of touch. If anything they’re IN touch. They hate the metro just as much as the rest of us. They’re basically just admitting what everyone already knows. Hard as I try, I can’t hate it.

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A Brief Reminder That At The Worst Of Times, The Best In People Shines Through

I really didn’t want to dwell on this because it’s still a little overwhelming. I grew up in New England and I know what Patriots Day and Marathon Monday mean to everyone. I know too many people who were in the city to run in or watch the marathon and it was FAR too long before I could determine that everyone was safe. I spent the entire afternoon and well into the night yesterday watching the coverage and sitting there in stunned disbelief that this could be happening.

But having said that, my faith in humanity was reinforced in so many ways yesterday. Reason number one is because of the gentleman at the top of the page here. I saw a picture of him that I wish I could unsee. It was incredibly graphic and I don’t recommend looking for it. In the picture, he was helping a man in a wheelchair, whose legs had both been blown off in the explosion. Our friend up there, Carlos Arredondo, was literally holding his severed artery and clamping it shut so he wouldn’t bleed out. That picture is simultaneously one of the worst things I have ever seen, and one of the best. We’d all like to think that if faced with a situation like this, we would run towards it and do everything we can to help. This man DID it. He should have a medal. He should be a household name.

And he wasn’t the only one. Just look at this tweet from NBC:

Screen Shot 2013-04-15 at 5.43.47 PMAnd the outpouring of support from other cities has been huge. New York City:

nycChicago:

chicagoI haven’t seen anything out of DC, which is a little bit disappointing, but I expect the powers that be in this city are more than a little preoccupied with making sure a similar attack is not allowed to take place here. God knows everyone on the metro will be just a bit more on edge today than usual.

I’d like to say more about how you shouldn’t lose your faith in humanity based on a senseless attack like this, but I challenge anyone to watch the Carlos Arredondo interview at the top of the page and not be inspired. And I think Patton Oswalt (of all people) said it best yesterday, so I’ll leave it at this:

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Who Would Be The Most Devastating Person To Turn Out To Be A Child Molester?

Something got me thinking about this today. There have been a lot of horrible stories in the news over the past decade or two about people like priests or teachers molesting kids. Nobody trust anyone who works with kids anymore. Fuck you if you’re a Cub Scout leader or a Sunday School teacher. Pretty much everyone just assumes that you’re waiting on your chance to kidnap one of the kids and keep them chained up in your basement diddle dungeon for the next 10 years.

So that got me thinking, who could be revealed as a child molester that would be most devastating to the public at large? I mean if someone released photos tomorrow of RG3 groping a 10-year-old, I think DC might go nuclear. That said I think we can go bigger. Here is the definitive list of worst possible diddlers:

8. Abraham Lincoln. Obviously would be a big deal but I just can’t put him any higher on the list. He’s just too ancient. No matter how definitive the proof was 99% of people would just refuse to believe it because let’s face it you can’t trust anything from that time. If you told me tomorrow that Abraham Lincoln never actually freed the slaves and it was really some forgotten president name Lenny, I would have literally no way to refute you. I was not a good student. So yeah we can pretty much eliminate all further historical figures from this list because despite the fact that Abe could very well have spent every night jerking off into his stovepipe hat before putting on some slave child’s head, there will never be photographs so we’ll just never know for sure. By the way, Jesus also falls into this category (minus the stovepipe hat).

7. Bill Murray. Is there anyone on the planet who doesn’t love Bill Murray? I mean the dude has made an entire career out of being a complete douchebag who doesn’t take anything seriously. The only real problem with Bill Murray being on this list is that is really isn’t all that hard to imagine him doing it just to get a rise out of people. Like he’s almost too beloved for his own taste right now. I could almost see him doing it just to get people to stop begging him to make Ghostbusters 3.

6. George Clooney. Talk about a slap in the face. I mean sure there are plenty of people who think Clooney is gay but a child molester? Hoo boy. That’ll make Cosmo or whatever the fuck magazines women read these days stop putting you on the cover real quick. At least I assume it would. Although considering the shit I see on the news stands I have a feeling they might actually just start running “HOW TO LOOK YOUNG ENOUGH FOR CLOONEY” features on the regular.

5. Tom Brady / Peyton Manning. Basically the two guys who are the face of the biggest sport in America. Yeah obviously there are tons of people who hate them both but if it came out that either one of them was molesting kids in the team hotel it would be Sandusky times a billion. Apparently we can’t even handle gay players in the NFL let alone child molesters. Roger Goodell’s head would literally explode which come to think of it might make the whole thing worth it. Ken Griffey Jr. would also be an acceptable answer here. And LeBron James would be the LEAST acceptable answer, because I think secretly we all assume he’s doing SOMETHING horrible.

4. Oprah. Yeah Oprah isn’t the all-consuming force that she used to be, but if it came out that Oprah was diddling her traumatized little guests backstage, there isn’t a woman in America who wouldn’t be calling out sick from work for a solid month afterwards. Plus she could totally get away with it if she wanted. Her whole schtick has such a culty atmosphere that she could probably have her entire production crew funneling her kids to feel up and nobody would ever know. Fucking Oprah, hypothetically molesting all those hypothetical kids.

3. Mr. Rogers. Just an undeniably horrible scenario. Every single kid in America for probably the last 100 years grew up watching Mr. Rogers so there’s nobody alive that wouldn’t be thinking back on those little puppets he used to play around with and his creepy serial killer smile and not have their entire childhood ruined. Plus he’s dead so there would be the added fact that he completely got away with it too. Fuck, I’m getting pissed off just thinking about this. Listen Mr. Rogers. Just do us all a favor and don’t have been a child molester. Thanks dude.

2. Obama. Obama comes in at the two spot because I mean he’s the president. But here’s thing thing: if it came out tomorrow that he was a child molester, would you really be all that surprised? Just to be clear this isn’t about Obama himself. I just assume every CEO or senator or president is doing the most fucked up shit possible behind the scenes. Chances are everyone in Congress jerks off to tranny porn while being choked by imported Malaysian slave children in their taxpayer funded hotel rooms. The other problem is that people love Obama so much that I’m not even sure it would be devastating. You could literally show a college kid a photograph of Obama blowing an 8-year-old and they’ll spend the next two hours explaining to you in the most condescending way possible that Obama has a very stressful job and you’re a judgmental prick for thinking it’s wrong and I bet you listen to Rush Limbaugh don’t you, you savage? (NOTE: Obviously Obama doesn’t molest kids, please don’t kill me Secret Service)

1. Mr. Belding. I actually think I might kill myself right now if it came out that the dude who played Mr. Belding was a pedophile. And if you never watched Saved by the Bell and you don’t know who Mr. Belding is then I literally have nothing to say to you. I actually met the dude a couple of years back. Nicest guy ever. But apparently he’s hard up for cash now and makes a living by getting paid to show up at people’s parties. I feel like it’s not a steep drop from there to molesting kids, so I’m not gonna lie: little worried about this one.

I’m actually kind of pissed off at everyone on this list just for making me imagine them as a child molester. So the lesson here is probably just don’t fuck kids, right? And if you’re Mr. Belding, DEFINITELY don’t fuck kids. It would ruin my whole childhood. Well and I guess the hypothetical kid’s childhood too. But this isn’t about them right now. It’s about me. So just do me a personal favor and keep not being a pedophile. Thanks boss.

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RG3′s Swag Level Is Off The Fucking Charts

rg3wtfI have no idea what the context of this is and I don’t want to know. What I do know is that I need this picture framed on my wall and I need it yesterday.

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